I’m not fucking crazy

Ok I know that’s ableist language but it is my inner voice and I think it’s important to represent it for what it is.

But I’ve figured out the dance between me and former BFF.

I’ll say something she finds “too angry” or whathaveyou, and she gets upset with me. So begins the silent treatment.

I HATE being ignored. It is a trauma trigger for me.

Eventually, after being ignored for x long, I start to panic over “angry thing” I said and start to apologize and mitigate it.

I am still ignored.

Start pleading for forgiveness. Still Ignored.

Start to feel suicidal, because clearly you are unforgivable and if you could just *control your temper*….

Still ignored.

Her emotional MO is to ignore anything emotional and to give the silent treatment when she is actively upset with you.

Being ignored, particularly while pleading for forgiveness, is a MASSIVE trigger for me. I’m not saying my triggered behaviour is her fault. It is not. But it does mean there is a reason for my behaviour.

There isn’t something wrong with me. I am not broken. I am not crazy.

I am traumatised.

And unless her emotional MO changes, we just can’t be friends.

I think I can start to accept that now.

Wow.

Author:

40 something woman, living life in Canada's Capital. Writing, or trying to.

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