Go Find Less

I need to rant for a minute. I’ve been rolling this around in my head for a few days. While in Barrie one sister told me I was “too brutally honest” and the other I have “too high expectations” for people responding to me/not ignoring me.

I….arrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Ok I can probably learn to work on the honesty thing. Not everything needs to be said, even if it’s true. I’m starting to take that in these days and work on it. I just tend to think sharing feelings is always good, and am only now realizing that is not necessarily true.

But the “you expect too much from people” thing I hate. I KNOW OK. YOU HAVE TOLD ME. Mom told me. Certain friends have told me. I get it. Sometimes it’s even true. But I have worked my entire life, from the first time my mother told me I expect too much from people when I was seven years old, to this very minute, to change this.  I have TRIED not to have these expectations. I have sought therapy, self-help books (fuck you The Four Agreements), meditation, straight up just berating myself and I cannot make it stop. I can’t.

It is fucking wired in, a part of my blood, weaved into my DNA.

So ya know just the billionth time I’ve been told ‘hey, the way you function in the world, and these fundamental parts of you are wrong. Do not be yourself.  Change.’

It’s fucking tiring, guys. I’m physically wrong for this world and clearly emotionally as well.

I should just go live in a fucking Yurt and be done with people. I’m only half joking. Every time someone says I’m too much tempted to withdraw from them completely. Yes, even family.

I won’t, at least not with family, but sometimes I really want to.

Because if I’m too much? Go find less.