Embodiment

Inspired by a journalling prompt by Effy Wild, I want to speak to the question

How embodied am I feeling? What tension am I holding?

Right now, in this moment I feel quite embodied, which is not always the case for me. My tendency is to dissociate when I’m feeling anxious or depressed. But these days are generally good with little to worry about. I’ve just eaten (heads up: Skyr is frigging delicious ), I’ve been out in the sun, I’m watching youtube art videos. All that to say, my senses are engaged.

But I am carrying some tension, mostly in my chest — that place where you feel everything just tighten, that spot right between your ribs.

You see, my best friend has had quite an amazing year. She started a relationship where she is in love. She got to spend 3 months at the Banff Centre for Arts and Creativity uping her wardrobe game (she works in film and theatre) and got an amazing job touring the US and Canada with the We Will Rock You crew.

And while I’m insanely supportive, I’m also hurting and jealous. My life is fine, but it feels rather empty. I don’t have a romantic relationship, my job is shitty and there’s nothing on the horizon, finances are tight and I just feel kind of low about it all. I think I’d feel less low if more things were happening for me and not just her, but I can only hope my time will come.

So for the moment I am painting and writing and smoking a little THC to relax me and trying to be a more excellent best friend.

But it’s hard. So very hard.

But I am feeling it, sitting with it, and acknowledging it, and that is a good thing.