I Am Enough

So every Monday Effy Wild posts a journaling prompt on Facebook. This week’s is “How full are my relationships feeling?” and I want to use it as a jumping off point.

So here’s the thing.

I have been in love with my straight best friend for many years. She knows. I told her ages ago. I also told her that my feelings were gone. And I thought they were, I really did. And then she got a boyfriend, and I discovered that Nope, they were definitely still hanging around.

A few weeks ago I asked her if she loved him (because I am stupid and a sucker for punishment), and she said “yes” and I honestly think my heart exploded in my chest. I was both surprised and devastated. It became abundantly clear to me that I was hurting on multiple levels. While I knew she would never love me that way I want to be loved, I guess my head and heart conspired to never even let me think about what would happen if she got into a relationship. For a while I was an extremely important person in her life, and now I felt replaced. Boyfriend would now be her #1 (as it should be), not me.

That, coupled with the realization that I may never be #1 to anyone really got to me. I mourned for weeks. And it was like I just woke up different one day. Every emotion felt, not numb, but less intense. All my life I have felt everything so very intensely. It used to worry my mother. But now, suddenly, everything had been slightly muted. Like my anti-depressants kicked in seven years after I began taking them.

I still care about her, but I don’t feel as hurt as I did just weeks ago. She’s going on tour with a musical from August – February and I’m not even bothered she’ll be gone. In the past that would have driven me to tears and depression. Now I’m just meeting that information with a shrug. “Ok then”.

Like I said, I’m not numb at all, I just feel so incredibly different than I ever have in my life. Like finally my emotions are regulated. It’s super weird. But I like it. I like not being sad and hurt and anxious all the time. And the only thing I can think of that changed is that I am no longer in love with her.

I fell in love slowly, over time, but fell out of love fairly quickly. She’s still my best friend, but I don’t have this co-dependent need to be with her and be important to her anymore.

I know she feels a loss, a distance from me, and is sad about it. But I am content. At peace, even.

And I like it.